 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Nearly Midnight. Joy Seven and her four Alyce bodyguards sprinted
through the corridors of the Federation office complex. Joy's
necklace blinked as a one time pad security sequence flashed ahead of
them. Just as they arrived, the doors to the Mudd complex swung open,
revealing a large black rectangular room, broken only by a square
pattern of yellow lines. Two Alyces broke off outside the door, two
continued inside. In the distance, a clock chimed twelve times,
followed immediately by the deep thud of the holodeck door coming
closed.
"Made it," Joy said aloud, more to the room than to Alyce or Alyce.
"I guess my dress doesn't turn to rags, my office to a pumpkin, and
my bodyguards to white mice?"
Alyce Three and Alyce Four looked confused. "They should not, Joy
Seven." Having just observed Q in action, Three and Four were not
sure whether their mistress was 'joking', trying to shut them down
with a paradox, or speaking literal truth.
"Computer! Run program 'South Tower Penthouse'." Joy smiled gently as
the universe took a new shape around her. The Alyces were suddenly
guarding an elevator, not a door. The room was wood floored, glass
walled, with a center fireplace burning bright. The near side of the
room contained a scattering of comfortable furniture about a low
table. The far side had an oversized desk that doubled as a holo
tank.
But the warm and comfortable room was dominated by the exterior view.
To the west, and far below, was the Pacific Ocean by moonlight. To
the north, and far below, a narrow roadway leaped across the Golden
Gate, piercing the north tower at a fair distance. Great cables near
at hand were turned to threads by perspective. To the east, the bay,
the islands, and the city. And to the south, The Presidio, the
Academy, and the Council Chambers. Like tiny ants, the Federation
Security teams were starting the post curfew sweep.
Joy sighed. The balcony? The living room? Reluctantly, she decided
no. For this interview, she wanted the bogus authority of her desk.
She settled in, sighed again, and spoke. "Computer! Please request
HAP Five."
"There is no program listed of that name."
"Request Holographic Adversary Program Five."
"Sorry, there is no program listed of that name."
Joy's entire body stiffened. Her emotion chip's display function
subtly altered to imply that if she had blood, it's pressure would
have just gone up. As the tried again, a tint of... was that
anger?... entered her voice. "Request Emergency Captain Holographic
Program."
The elevator doors slid open. Wearing the antiquated uniform of the
Constitution class era, there stood Captain James T. Kirk. He smiled,
recognizing Joy, and stepped forward with the quiet charm and self
assurance of a minor demi-god. "Please state the nature of the threat
to the Galaxy."
Fortunately, Joy had had the foresight to not have anything small and
fragile on her desk. It would not do to mar the dignity of her new
position by throwing things at her naval attache, no matter how good
it would make her feel. "Has anyone ever mentioned, Mr. Kirk, the
principles of 'Funny, Not Funny, and Funny Once'?"
He casually took a seat opposite Joy, still smiling. "Only you would
dare, Joy. Besides, your judgement of me is a bit... lopsided...
shall we say?"
"Meaning I know you better..."
"Joy, Joy, Joy... Let's on to business, shall we? We can admire the
view and chat later."
"You read the Romulan transcript?"
"Yes. You lost."
"Lost?"
"He learned a lot about you and your intentions. You learned
virtually nothing about his. What you did learn, I wouldn't trust.
Joy? If you are going to stay on in this job, you are going to have
to learn to lie."
"I am not lying!"
"Are you sure?"
From Joy's perspective, the world began going grey as analysis of
external data shut down to solve a higher priority problem. If Joy
was lying, she was telling the truth... I she was telling the truth,
how could she be lying? Lie deflector code jumped in. Kirk was lying.
Again. Kirk always lies!
 |
She shook her head. The artificial world returned to normal. She
knew Kirk had said something, but she had forgotten what it was. He
had done it again...
But how could he help but do it again? Joy knew how he was
programmed. She had programmed much of it herself. He was designed to
duplicate the perverse, clever, egotistical, self centered, awful
human being who had imprisoned her planet and broken nearly every
rule Starfleet made available. He couldn't help it.
She had come to the conclusion, however, that her view of the
original Kirk might have been somewhat prejudiced. His actions on
other planets were seldom as awful as what he did to Mudd. Yes. She
would reluctantly admit it. The original Kirk had redeeming social
value. She looked up again at the cheap imitation. "And your opinion,
Mr. attache, of the Marynan situation?"
"You said it right in Council. Marynan is for the moment a Starfleet
affair. You have to give the people in the field freedom of action,
and not try to micromanage too much at a political level. The Admiral
is a good man. You are giving him resources enough, though with the
Romulans there to 'help', you may want to increase the support even
further."
"The probe?"
"We know even less about that one than the Marynan situation. Again,
you can't make political decisions based on zero information. Look
back at the last few oversized constructs to come storming out of the
void towards Earth. The first took two of my crew. The second wanted
to chat with a pair of whales. The Borg just wanted the human race,
so you fought them off brute force. Who knows what this probe
wants?"
Kirk had an almost visionary look. Gazing out her tower windows, he
saw not the ocean, and not the city. He saw the stars. "Someone has
to go out there, Joy, to find out what is happening. You have to put
your best captain on your best ship. You have to learn what must be
learned, and do what must be done." He shrugged, as if to say it is
that simple.
"I'm afraid Starfleet's best captain is still getting Starfleet's
best ship ready to launch." She sighed, looking at Kirk. "We may have
to do with someone lesser." Kirk looked pained, but Joy continued
with another question. "And Mudd's defense?"
"The first raider arriving at Mudd is going to be rudely surprised.
The detection equipment and modulated shields to prevent transporters
look solid. The most essential facilities are under a lot of rock.
The new shields over the shallower dwelling sites are very impressive
indeed...
"But Joy, you can't win a fight with deep rock and shields. Somehow,
somebody is going to have to convince Norman One, that if an organic
should shoot at an android, it is permissible for the android to
shoot back.
"And you can't have all your forces tied down on the planet. Mobility
gives you options. You need..."
"...A ship. A good ship, with a good captain. OK, Kirk, what have you
heard?"
He just smiled his boyish innocent grin. "K'rrrat says you can
download holocharacters into android bodies. Every HAP at the
Academy, and every civilian holocharacter on the public nets with
even a hint of sentience has heard that one. Another story says you
offered the Council's medical department a ship. That one the holos
heard from the organics. And I know that no matter how good the Mudd
androids are at obeying orders, the pre emotion chip classes are not
ready yet to give orders. That leaves two artificial beings who might
possibly be ready to command a starship. The Auxiliary Technical
Android Program - the Joy Class - and the Emergency Captain
Holographic Program - me."
"I could bring in an organic."
"Hardly. You have been pretending all along that organics and
positronics are equal. If you backed down now, they are going to
start the Alyce class doing formal sentience testing. Do you really
think they could pass the standard tests, biased as they are towards
organics?"
Well, nobody ever claimed Kirk was stupid. "And you think that
because the Kirk program has whipped the Joy program seventeen to one
in the simulators, I should give you a ship now?"
"Think, Joy, about that one time. You lost your temper. You won. You
achieved your objectives. But in the process you broke more rules
than I ever did."
Joy smiled. "Jim, I wasn't in the least interested in achieving my
objectives that day. I just wanted wipe that grin off your face. The
rest... Well, I can't even remember the supposed objectives."
"You should lose your temper more often, Joy. And you know, your
instructors were as happy to see you break rules as they are upset
when I do the same things."
"I'll take that under advisement."
"So... What do you have?"
"What I have is a dull, boring, passenger mission. You have to move
some manual labor androids from Mudd to Marynan. Pick them up. Drop
them off. Wait to bring them back. Simple. Straight forward. No
heroics. No saving the galaxy. If you manage to behave yourself,
maybe, just maybe, you get to keep the ship for another flight."
"These are the same androids whose circuits contain the secret of
eternal life?" Joy reluctantly nodded. Kirk went on. "Carried on a
ship whose technology might change the balance of power between the
Quadrants? And we're orbiting the planet that holds the other secret
of eternal life? Need I mention the secret of immediate damnation?
And the planet is being 'protected' by - among other things - two of
the largest Romulan warships ever to cloak or warp? And the
Federation element is commanded by the politically appointed head of
the Council's medical committee? And my orders are to 'behave
myself'?"
"You don't *have* to behave yourself, Jim. Only if you want to keep
command of the ship."
"Would you mind if I visited that probe on my way back?"
Things That Go Bump in the Night tells
of what came next.
HoloKirk's Page
Joy Homepage
